Confused.

I'm trying to move on. It's obvious now that you have. I don't cry every day any more. But I feel like this month my whole life was torn apart. I love(d?) you and i love my car. Both were taken away from me. I'm feeling extremely vulnerable right now. =[

frustrated.

You took her to a candle lit dinner. Like what we had for over two years means nothing to you. Fine. But don't tell me you want to be friends. Friends don't do this to each other. Torturing me. Acting like you never loved me.

Lost.

Dear Steggy,

I think I lost a bit of myself when I lost you. I went crazy. I'm sorry I ever bothered you, messed up your life. I am heart broken. And maybe even though I always thought you were good for me I wasn't good for you. I made you sad when you made me happy. Moving on is a long process because you are my first love, my first serious boyfriend. So please if you read this, take pity on me. Don't get a gf right away. Give me a little more time to grief. At least wait till I'm able to eat a full meal without throwing up.

I'm at the stage where I feel like I can't live without you. I came to depend on you. I thought you were the one person who would never leave me. I was wrong. And now I am dealing with the fallout. You won't talk to me even though it's my birthday. I cried so hard last night I thought maybe you could hear me all the way at your apartment. If I could just get one text from you saying happy birthday it would make me so happy because then at least we could try to be friends.

I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I took you for granted. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

ps. if you have my boots please just let me know. that's $400 bucks down the drain if I don't get them back. =[

I love you always- Trex

Sad.

Dear Steggy,

Last night I basically put myself out there. I poured my heart out. We had sex. When I got home I ate something because it was the first time I felt a little relief. But then you called me saying you needed to sleep for work, our conversation lasted less than two mins. But you said you loved me so I thought it was okay. Too bad in the morning I woke up to see that you didn't go to sleep. You went to Sarah's place to eat. So you lied to me. I'm not the girl you put on the back burner. Never was and I never will be. If you are leaving me for her just say so. You say you're not with her but she's basically been my replacement. You see her every day and you hang out with her doing the things you used to do with me. So even if you are just friends it still makes me jealous. It still makes me cry.

You said we'd someday get back together. I gave you back the ring and you promised that you'd someday give it back to me. My birthday is tomorrow. All I want is to be with you. Despite everything. I'm scared you'll never want me back. I'm scared that you'll end up with another girl, whether it's Sarah or not it'll still devastate me. You are my first love. I want you to be my only love. Less than 24 hrs I'll be 22. Don't make me be 22 and alone.

I just can't believe you lied to me last night right after we had sex. You said it was too late for you to come over because you had work but it wasn't too late to go to Sarah's house. If that's not a betrayal I don't know what is.

-Trex

i don't know if you'll ever read this...

Dear Steggy,

It's been six days since you left me. I don't know if you miss me or still love me. But I miss you and I still love you. Every day without you just eats at my soul. My self esteem is so low that I wonder if I had just lost weight or wore more make up around you that maybe you'd still think I was beautiful and want to be with me.

You said you'd never break up with me. Those words gave me comfort when we would fight, I always thought no matter what we said in the heat of the moment we would work through it. Now you're giving up on me. I look in the mirror and instead of seeing someone worthy of love I see nothing.

I remember the first time you kissed me it was breath taking. We were at my old apartment laying upside down on my tiny twin bed. I was trying to load Wedding Crashers and it was taking forever. You were tickling me and i just had this stupid grin on my face because I was so happy that you came over. You put your head on my chest and I remember thinking OH God he's gonna hear how fast my heart is beating. You lifted up your head and you kissed me. It was the most perfect kiss. That's when I knew for sure that we were going to be together.

I had all these dreams for the two of us. I thought we'd be married by 25/26 and planning on having kids. I used to write Kimberly Sakuma on a piece of paper whenever I was bored in class, just to see what it looked like. People would ask me about you and I'd just gush over what an amazing boyfriend you are... were.

You bought me gifts, brought me food at work, got me Gatorade when I was sick even though it was 3 in the morning. I came to depend on you. I trusted you with every fiber of my being.

And then the whole Scott thing happened. I can't help how he felt about me. He confessed everything in a text and I don't know why I didn't delete it and just ignore him forever. I thought I was being mature by telling him we could stay friends. I didn't tell you because I know how you'd take it. How you would wonder if I was flirting back, if I somehow invited him to tell me those things. Why I didn't tell him to just shut the fuck up. But I was scared. I thought I would lose all my high school friends if I told them what he said. I thought I would lose you because you'd lose trust in me.

And that's exactly what happened. I'm alone now. A crying mess. And you're dancing with Sarah at a party. Taking her to the LA fair and to disneyland.

I was going to ask you to take to me the fair for my birthday. I thought if i just begged you enough you'd take me even if we're broken up. But then I saw on fb that you said she was beautiful. You never ever told a girl she was beautiful except for me the whole time we were together. So when I read that it was like all the air was sucked out of my body.

I don't know if you're going to start dating her. But it's only been six days. You are flaunting how happy you are to everyone. As though you were never happy when you were with me. And yeah it hurts because the truth is I was never happy until I met you. I was lonely. And now I'm lonely again.

I'm turning 22 in two days. I thought you'd be there by my side. I mean even the day before you broke up with me you asked me to go see a movie. When we broke up you still called me T-Rex and said that we'd get back together.

And then all of a sudden you just cut me off. And it was like you were breaking up with me all over again.

I haven't completed a full day of worse since you left me. I always leave early because I see couples sitting there eating and I think that that used to be us. I start to shake when I see an M3 in the parking lot because it reminds me of you.

I love every part of you. I love your passion for cars, how close you are to your mom, how you tell me to walk on the inside of the road because you're such a gentleman. Or idk you were. Now you drink till you pass out on Sarah's shoulder. You party so hard you make me at 19 look weak sauce. If you asked me to I would have been your dd. I would have stayed in the car while you partied and been completely pathetic just because at least I'd know you're safe.

I'm angry too. I asked you so many times about her. You lied to me. And you said we broke up because you didn't trust me. But I know deep in my heart that the only thing wrong I did was not tell you right away what Scott said. What you are doing to me now is worse. It's like you don't think what we had was important. We were together for 2 years and 103 days. I thought you'd be the last person I ever kissed.

You keep bragging about all the fun you're having. Well I went out too. And I cried in public. I cried so hard that strangers asked if I was okay. And I lied and said that I'd be fine. But it's not true. So read this. And think to yourself is starting over with someone else, is after the new feeling of being with the person wears off, is this relationship as good as the one you had with me.

It won't be. You'll never find a girl who loves you the way I do. After all of this I still want to be with you. All it would take is for you to just say that you want me back and I'd jump at the chance. I don't care if I'm being pathetic. You wouldn't let me break up with you before. You texted and called me and you wouldn't let me forget that you loved me. So here I am fighting for you.

And after all this if you still don't take me back, then listen to this. Find someone who doesn't drop, doesn't get high, doesn't get drunk all the time. She's not the one for you. You deserve someone beautiful. Don't just settle for Sarah because she worships you. She looks like she could beat the crap out of you. I know you like bigger girls ie Dorothy, but you can do better. You could be with someone who is so beautiful I'd be green with envy. Instead you are talking to someone that has a huge nose and thunder thighs. I could see maybe if she got a nose job, because at least then she'd be okay looking. I know she loves cars and you guys have a lot of the same friends. But I could learn about cars. I could hang out with your friends.

God I'm sorry that I'm doing this. Annoying you and frustrating you. Like I can't get the picture. It's not that I don't see the picture it's that I don't accept it. I love you. And I fight for the ones I love.

<3 trex